As my body became numb every passing moment, I long for a time impossible. The sweet was more painful than the bitter and so I drifted into my university days which were no different. I lived a care-free life, I never understood what been heartbroken meant because my heart was with me all the time, I never gave it to any girl or any person. I also never gave it to Jesus neither. I wanted to ask myself, Why? but in my present predicament, that seemed a fruitless venture. I remember the Bible saying “give and it shall be given”. Because I never gave my heart, no one gave me theirs too and so I never understood or learnt how to threat and handle someone’s heart with the delicacy it deserves. I wish I could tell Lara how sorry I am and how much I regretted my actions. It was not deliberate but I just didn’t know how to love. She deserved more than I can ever give and here I am wishing I could turn back the hands of time in a place where time does not exist. I remembered a Sunday school lesson on 1st Corinthians 13…love is patient, love is kind … but I was not. Love never fails and yet when I looked into her grief-stricken eyes on that fateful day, I saw my failure as a Man to stay true to the only One who taught me what loving God and been considerate to others was about, who understood my drinking weakness, my flirting excesses and stood by me. Shame filled my soul as my lesion body trembled even more because rather than drown me further in despair, the thought of raping her to satisfy my sexual lust was too much burden for a Man to bear even in the grave. I deserve to be here but I wanted just one moment in time to say “am sorry” and then be condemned for all eternity in torment for a soul like mine. She called my name in utter shock when I torn her clothes apart; her voice cut me deep and still haunts me. I am trying not to remember anymore, even now in death but something keeps playing this ugly scene in my head, I die over again and again, each time eroding my desire to live or opportunity for a second chance.
The eerie feeling is true; something is crawling around my body, squeezing itself through the bags on me. I should be afraid but I am not; I should panic but I am not. My torment is now beyond the terrestrial. The numbness I feel is of the spirit because it is broken in ways words are yet to be framed to capture its state. I have heard many say; what could be worse than death? Well, you need to be here to know that a second death; the death of the soul and the spirit from guilty of sin past is worse than death. Pastor Kunle was right “real fear should lie in God who can kill both the soul and the body in hell”…Mathew 10:28.
It’s true; Ecclesiastes 9:4 is true; there is hope whilst you are alive. Hope to say “am sorry” to Lara, hope to stop being angry and bitter with Charles and my sister, hope to make amends with Pastor Kunle who was suspended because I deceitfully accused him of stealing from the church because he dissuaded Maria from sleeping with me, hope to accept Jesus and truly follow HIM, Hope to repent and hear the words in Matthew 25:23 “well done, good and faithful servant”
PLEASE KEEP READING THE CONTINUATION IN MY REALITY 4E SOON.